My Life in Letters to You

captions for the images you left in my head

She spent the last two hours of her birthday sitting by the window, waiting for you to show up with your apology and flowers. Okay, maybe flowers are a long stretch. But she was waiting and she wasn’t surprised that you didn’t come.

The stars were hiding behind the clouds tonight and the silence was defeaning. The decision to move on a d close this chapter of the book was hanging over her like a rock. Crushing her, pushing her to the brink. She didn’t know what was next, she only hoped it would be better. Better than this. Better than anything she could have ever imagined. She just needed a little faith.

All I ever had were good intentions wrapped up in all this sorrow. And so I continue to write letters to those who have broken me, not really knowing if I would send them out. Such perfect handwriting through blurry eyes and a hand that’s tired of reaching out to closed doors. I don’t want to speak because I know not how to say the words. I’d rather talk to you the best way I know how—through writing letters.

It has always been a one way street with you, as with most. But I know now not to keep banging on your door or break it down. Because despite everything, despite all the words and the clues, you do not want to be found. You do not want to share the air I breathe. You do not want anything to do with me.

So I won’t because it’s not fair. To blame myself for whatever I did wrong, if I did anything wrong. I can give up and I will give up because sometimes that’s the best thing to do. Just give up.

I wish I could undo the past couple of years. I wish I could undo you sauntering into my life. But life is a one way street. And even if I wanted to undo things, I don’t regret them because that’s just who I am and I’m not apologizing for that. I’m not apologizing for being myself—whether I’m alarmingly reckless or gullible or sweet and angry and frustrated and lost all at the same time. I don’t need to apologize. Because I am enough and I do not need to be validated by you or anyone else. I am enough.

Whatever it is, i’m just here. You dont have to talk but when you decide to, i’ll listen.

I wish you knew that. Like not just know it but really…know it in your heart that I am here. I’m just here. And that I need you to trust me and take that step forward because I am not far away. I don’t ask for much. I just want to share your space. Breathe your air. Know what’s on your mind. I wish you weren’t holding back your whole life because it isn’t fair. It’s not fair and you know that.

This is impossible. I’m fucking impossible because I keep trying. I wish you’d tell me to stop. Because I would. I just need to hear it from you. I just need you to do something. Just…for once. I just want to stop hating myself for trying.

You Make Me Smile

You have no idea how much I love talking to you, even if it means talking about nonsensical things. I love how I can sometimes hear you smile through the line. I love how your voice gets deep when you whisper, or just want to get more intimate than a phone call. I love everything about our phone calls, how you greet me with “yo”, no matter how impersonal it may seem because it reminds me of Jesse from Breaking Bad and that is awesome.

You make me smile. That’s the problem. You still make me smile and you still make my heart leap with this overwhelming joy when you talk to me and say things like…how I’m always too far away from you. I love how you’re always in places I used to be in. How you’re near my university or my high school. Or how you’re stuck in traffic because you have no idea how much I just want to be with you and see you again.

There is this longing that is bigger than me and larger than life and my heart cannot contain it. Hearing you laugh, hearing you smile…you have no idea what it does to me. And I wish—no, I pray that I could be, more often, the reason why you smile and laugh. I like making you laugh. I like hearing you laugh. And it’s so incredibly insane how I want to see your smile again. How I want to see you again. How I want to be inside your brain for a second to see how you think. What you think about me.

I miss you so much and talking to you tonight makes my heart leap with this insane hope that maybe I’ll see you again. And I keep wishing, saving that birthday wish to see you. To be with you even for just a while, just like before. You have no idea. Or maybe you do. I don’t know. All I know is that I wish I never had to put down the phone because I like listening to your voice and I do not want to forget. I want to remember. Even if it means it will hurt in the coming days. I want to remember you.

Yesterday was Monday

It was Monday and I spent the first minutes of it hitting snooze on my alarm. Then I dreamt of you for a minute. I saw you at a McDonald’s and you smiled at me and I smiled at you. You were wearing blue. I’m writing this because I want to remember. I want to remember your smile.

No human should mislead another by promising them something they know to be untrue.

Santosh Kalwar (via observando)


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Serenity is when you get above all this, when it doesn’t matter what they think, say or want, but when you do as you are, and see God and Devil as one.

Henry Miller (via observando)

No one’s life seems great between midnight and 7 a.m. Go to sleep. Things will be better tomorrow.

(via dragonbridges)

(Source: themethfairy, via halfhalpert)