My Life in Letters to You

captions for the images you left in my head

Have You Ever

Have you ever thought that maybe I needed you here with me? That I needed your support because I feel like I’m constantly spiraling into somewhere dark, somewhere I’m not sure I can come back from? Have you ever thought that maybe I needed your help? Have you ever thought that while I’m the only one who can save me, I still need you there to hold my hand?

Have you ever thought that maybe this won’t end, that I might have to live on these chemicals to make me feel better because the demons in my head are bigger than my heart? That sometimes the quiet is deafening and I’d give anything to hear your voice again. That maybe if you saw all of this for what it really was, I wouldn’t seem so selfish to you. Maybe if you listened, for once, I’ll fall asleep feeling safe and I wouldn’t be so scared of the sunrise amymore. Maybe sleep would not be my only refuge. Maybe you could be my refuge.

In Memoriam


My mom asked me about you today. I said you were gone. Which is the truth. It wasn’t a long conversation, you didn’t give me much to work with anyway. The point is she remembers you, I guess mostly because of your absence. Maybe that’s the reason why I remember you too. Sometimes things just get…

October 15, 2014

3 days ago - 2

I Want the Dark

I want the dark to take me and hold me in its heavy presence. I want it to take me into its loving arms and keep me safe from the stars that make me dream false hopes because I can’t understand how or why people no longer want love. I don’t understand why they’d rather have warm nights and cold hearts. I don’t understand anymore. And the unrest is grueling, ripping me apart slowly and excruciatingly, eating me up as I look into the mirror and see the half empty girl who does not know her past, her father. What foreign word is ‘father’ that she can’t even say it out loud?

Was I born at the most wrong timing, at a time where love no longer exists and practicality has become the norm? When people take what they can get because it’s cheaper? When sex is free as long as it’s between two consenting adults?

I am angry but I am tired. This life no longer feels right. Carrying this weight on my shoulders, with the world’s loneliness gripping me, cold as stone on a stormy day…I have to accept the fact that maybe I’ll never find someone. And it’ll be a lonely road for me because God knows my lineage is cursed or something. I don’t know anymore. And I’m so fucking tired. I’m so tired of this.

You’re Forgiven

I forgive you for all your wrong decisions, all the self-inflicted pain, sleepless weeknights, torn up pages, and stale letters that you aren’t gonna mail out anyway. I forgive you for getting lost in the song (and getting lost in his eyes, quite literally). I forgive you not because you need it, but because you deserve it. You deserve to be loved, not to be tortured by things unfinished and undefined. You deserve better than this. And that’s why I forgive you.

I forgive you for dreaming, for letting your imagination run on overdrive. I forgive you for the default thoughts in your head, the self-destruction, the self-pity. Most of all, I’m proud of you because you have come so far regardless of what you think. It’s gonna be 3 years and I know when that day comes it won’t be about him anymore. It’ll be about you. And you are on your way. Every single day, every single step away, finally getting rid of the dust in the closet.

It’s 11:11 and I wish for you to find your way and land that job and just have a ball. I love you. You are beautiful. You are strong. You are complete. You are enough. And I forgive you.

(Source: modelsandstuff, via ahomeboyslife)

You Know That With One Word I’m Yours

Because that’s stupid but that’s how my heart works and that’s how my brain decides—recklessly. I listen to these songs and I still think of you. I think of how the songs would make you feel. How we could listen together and fall. Together.

I know it’s stupid and lame and I don’t know what goes on in your mind but I wish we could go back to when you showed me any remote form of interest. I wish we’d go back to the phone calls and your laughter. I wish I could see you. You have no idea how much I want to see you because I know the words will spill out recklessly, endlessly.

And I fucking hate you because you have my heart and I wish you could just ask me for it. Just do it, just jump and I’ll jump with you in a heartbeat, with no second thoughts, no hesitation. Because it’s for you. God knows I’d give anything to…I don’t know. Have you back. Hear your voice. Talk to you. Have you near me. It is the single damn thing in this world I’ve been wishing, hoping, praying, dreaming about.

I still remember that night I said I’d see you again and I did one day…it was magical and I wish I could relive it. It’s been two years but I still feel you sometimes. I still think about you. A lot. You’re still my 11:11. You’re still my wish, my lone star at night, and the heart I send much love to through the moon at night, wishing it could reach you.

(Source: manticoreimaginary)

Take me into your lovin’ arms
Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars
Place your head on my beating heart
I’m thinking out loud.

(Source: xmultiply)

i’m thinking out loud, that maybe we found love right where we are

(Source: cryingzayns)

(Source: sub-marino-amarelo)